Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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