it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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