I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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