im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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