I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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