Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this just has baby written all over it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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