i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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