but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
