The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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