The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
