My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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