i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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