Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
