Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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