Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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