I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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