everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
