Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
