I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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