I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
