I have demons in me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
