saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
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