She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
