At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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