I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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