i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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