The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You're like the curious george of whores
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
