Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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