He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
