We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?