I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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