You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave