Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
