i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
In America we eat man semen.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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