He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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