I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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