im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
