sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
