I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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