I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
