Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
