Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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