She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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