I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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