And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
