Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
