I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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