wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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