If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm lost and stupid without you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
