I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Boobs speak an international language.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
