i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
