I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
