we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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