Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
