I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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