Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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