If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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