there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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