you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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