and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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