There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
