I'm eating all of the evidence.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
