Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
