in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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